Friend of A Broken Heart: Validating for a New and Friendlier World

I listened to a beautiful song this morning on YouTube sung by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir called "Friend of a Wounded Heart." I knew the song-- a number of years ago it was pretty much my theme song as I sought such consolation. I listened to the song differently this morning and made some interesting, I think, extrapolations and connections.

The two lines in the song that stood out to me the most were "friend of a wounded heart" and "he meets you where you are" both in reference to Christ's position. The song led me to thoughts about what it means to be Christian or non-Christain yet believing that Jesus was a good man, leader, martyr, or prophet. And of course Christians believe He is God incarnate. I also did a little research and learned that the original word "Christian" was coined by non-Christians to mean "little-Christs"-- a mockery.

Now the connection I am making. I know few people with a sensitive or empathic spirit within them that do not find themselves befriending and supporting the broken hearted. I also see a strong move in our culture to meet people where they are. Then there are those who don't and make a mockery of those who do. Are the qualities represented above not the essence of goodness, of caring, of empathy, of healing and validation-- of bringing unity among all people on our planet? For Christians, are these qualities not the essence of Christianity?

Let me just put this out there. How much better would we collectively be if we all befriended the broken hearted, if we met all of our brothers and sisters where they are. I for one need such friends and want to be that friend-- to you, my friends. Feel free to remind me when I'm not. :-)

Discussion is welcome!

Another Perspective on the Second Time Around

My partner, Jimmy, and I just watched Avatar on DVD for the first time since seeing it on the big screen. I think the first time was simply visually overwhelming-- clearly an amazing story, but so overwhelming from a sensory perspective it was difficult to "feel" what was happening. Tonight-- nothing but stunned.

In essence, it was both the story of what we have done and continue to do to the planet and the people who live here, but also a snapshot of what can happen when we collectively say, "No, no more." We must all adopt a spirit of contrition for what we have done to indigenous people, what we have done in the name of progress, what we have done to the planet. And, we must learn, and grow, and change, and become a people who collectively and globally become unified and purposeful in recreating what the Master began in the Garden. That's what I think...

Moving on From Dogma: Peace in Knowing Truth

Dear Dogma,

I only use the address “dear” in this letter to represent that you have taught me about being happy, content, and living at peace.  Your lessons have not come from your intended teachings but have repulsed me to the extent that I shall never return to you and I am thus, living at peace.  That makes me happy and allows me to address you as “dear”—yes, a dear, intrusive element in the flow that is my life. 

As a preface to this letter, I will take the good from within you, whatever that may be, but I will spend the rest of my days teaching others and peacefully opposing your teachings that serve to destroy the human spirit, deceive, teach hatred and bigotry, and literally bring people to self hatred, loathing, and even death.  I will oppose your most offensive and destructive purpose-- to teach people, even the least of these, to believe that God cannot love them unless they subscribe to you in full.  And thus, my mission is to reverse the damage you have caused within and about me.  You are now dead to me, and I now commit to exposing your evil purpose one step at a time and one person at a time.  As I cast my pebble into this large sea in which I drift, I will take joy in watching the ripples expand from my small splash and roll to distant and far removed places.

I’m setting out in this letter to cleanse myself of the damage you have done in my life.  I will not address the truths I have internalized from your teachings in this letter.  Those were never yours to begin with—they were the foundation of all Truth since the beginning of time and are now mine to hold and love and guide me.  You, Dogma, took me to the brink of death.  And God, not you, brought me back to fullness of life, and my path is now immersed daily in learning to live in peace and harmony with the Creator.  The years the locusts have eaten will be restored.

The harm you have done to me began in the earliest years of my recollection.  As a young child I learned that your principles were to be applied selectively.  It seems, as I reflect on this topic, that the principle of Honesty and its value is a central theme in how you hurt me.  Honesty, based in the 10 Commandments, only counted if it pleased others.  So, as a little boy, I felt so ashamed that I didn’t like baseball, didn’t like getting dirty, liked lovely things, wanted hugs and kisses much more that tossing a ball—I kept these things to myself.  In essence, I lived a lie about these things.  I never spoke of these needs or desires.  In fact, I tired to like those things that really disturbed me or caused me embarrassment.  I even participated in them to please others.  You harmed me, Dogma, in this respect.  You said to be honest.  Because it was in the Bible, I believed it was a Universal Truth and I couldn’t be accepted by God if I didn’t obey his truths.  But you, Dogma, and those who taught me about you bastardized this truth.  That which truly was God revealed did not matter when it came to living my own authenticity as a little boy.  That angers me.  It angers me that I went behind the garage to enjoy and touch living things, I made sure I wasn’t seen when I walked slowly along Mom’s garden and smelled the peonies and touched their soft pedals.  When I went to my friend’s house to play kickball, I really hoped I would have time with their dad, Charlie, because he loved gardening and classical music.  He taught me all about lilies.  I learned how to plant them, how to care for them, and came to love their beauty.  I even learned how to create my own special lily by cross pollinating two beautiful lilies, harvesting their seeds, planting them under grow-lights in his basement until bulbs developed, and then planting the bulbs outside and watched them become something beautiful that I had a hand in.  Charlie also gave me an appreciation of classical music.  We listened to Hyden and he bought me my first LP record—a Russian trumpeter playing Hyden’s famous trumpet concerto.  I later learned to play that concerto on my trumpet many years later.  I loved THAT part of growing up, not kickball.  But I lied and bastardized God’s truth, because you taught me there was a higher order—pleasing people, and being, doing, becoming who they wanted me to be.

You taught me to hide and never reveal those things that touched me or made me intensely curious.  I was different, I knew it, and no one else could ever know that because it would displease them.  In your hierarchy of what was right, pleasing others was of much greater importance than revealing mySELF.   It held a higher place in the order of things than authenticity.  Why, Dogma, did you do that to me?  This schism between what God wanted and you wanted planted the seeds of my insecurities, my hiding, my distrust of people, and what began with a dislike of myself and became self-loathing later.

Dogma, I know that I will always know you, but you will no longer have a stronghold on me.  I now know who you are, and you are not my friend.  Make no mistake.  You have not stolen my faith in God nor the importance of spirituality in my life daily.  It is stronger than ever.  I’m not even opposed to organized religion— I have actually found it in a couple of churches that don’t teach your nonsense and harmful lies.  THAT I can buy.

So, Dogma, I’m moving on from my anger at you.  I will love those affected by you and those whom have found their way past you.  And those who are still in your grasp are those for whom I will pray and reach out to.  Because all you are not and all that God is is what has brought me to a place of peace, joy, and love—yes, even love for myself.

Beware, Dogma.  You WILL lose the battle.  I’m watching you lose your grasp all around me each day.  My like-minded comrades are joining arms and circling you.  You don’t stand a chance…

Most sincerely and filled with Love, Compassion, and Hope,

Ken

Past Poetry: The Before Snapshot-- growing, growing, growing...

If you've read the other posts on my blog, you might guess that these pieces were written a while back-- probably seven or eight years ago.  It was a time when I truly felt like I was coming unglued-- not sure which entity would emerge.  I was also realizing that there was a "truth" that I had not found a way to live out in my present-- a lacking in authenticity.  I think there may have been some foresight in these pieces-- perhaps I see the "warrior within" as having emerged quite differently, however.  The warrior has emerged as a passionate advocate for many causes-- and yes, there are things I will fight for, but I don't need to fight for my identity.  My truth has emerged and has set me free.  As I grow, integration continues to do its magic and the "truth" continues to unfold...

unglued

we are three

but one

vying.

seeking love

waging war

learning

the lover within

living to know

living to be known

living to matter to someone

for being’s sake.

the warrior within

living to fight

living to force

living to take them all down

for sanity’s sake.

the learner within

living to find

living to fashion truth

living to receive the wisdom of the ages

for knowing’s sake.

be one.

live to love

and sing

the sage and solemn tune.

The Truth

time to say no.

it won’t do any longer

to say yes

to things done for the one

who seeks relief from thoughts that haunt

when in the end

the pain returns.

speak the Truth.

therein is freedom.

time to say yes.

it won’t do any longer

to say no

to the universe of strength

waiting for me

to grasp

with all that i am.

receive the Truth.

therein is freedom.

find thyself.

lose thyself.

to do one

is to do the other.

become the Truth.

therein is freedom.

Empowered by Vulnerability: Finding Happiness-- and Myself Along the Way

Putting this in my blog is largely in response to listening to Brene Brown's talk on Ted-- "The Power of Vulnerability."  My goal here is to "air out" what comes to mind and perhaps share insight with others working to live out their vulnerability in a healthy and self-empowering way.  This mode of writing, for me anyway, tends to help me to expose the more significant points along my journey, but also to allow each thought to give birth to the next.  I learned some time ago that while our life journeys take many turns and twists making it easy to talk about "the" journey in terms of my old life or my new life, I try not to think about my life in those terms anymore.  It is one life, one journey-- all a cumulative picture of one moment somehow connected to the next.  Though my cumulative journey consists of moments, days, and periods of time from short to long that often look very different, it is all one journey, one life.  So, rather than writing a dissertation, I'll focus today on how vulnerability led me if not drove me to authenticity.  Becoming authentic has resulted in finding happiness, peace and hope for the future, none of which existed to a large extent prior to becoming vulnerable enough to allow myself to experience authenticity.  

First, I am compelled to explore the roots of my fear of vulnerability which ultimately led me to refuse to experience my own authenticity.  Vulnerability, on first thought, speaks of exposure.  Being "exposed" means that others can see me-- in this context, who I REALLY AM, rather than what I do, what I own, what I have accomplished, who I know, who I love and what I want others to believe that I philosophically and spiritually embrace.  For my entire life, I refused to be exposed because from my earliest developmental years, I believed that so many things I needed or desired or even required were contingent on who I was known to be.  Justified or not, I feared that I would not be loved or accepted if anyone knew who I was.  From my earliest recollections, I was expressly taught at my church and at home in less overt ways that God would not love me if I did not fit a rather narrowly defined mold.  Additionally, I observed the withdrawal of love and respect and maltreatment of people all around me that dared not fit this mold.  Long before I recognized that the cost to me was enjoying my own authenticity, I came to literally hate myself.  In my privacy, I came to look in the mirror and scream profanities and expressions of hate to the one looking back at me in the mirror.  While the love and acceptance of my family was very, very important to me, I could not afford not to have God's love and acceptance because without it I would exprience eternal damnation, fire and brimstone, and infinite torture and suffering.

While I could escape being vulnerable to my family and church by simply hiding and lying, I knew that I was already vulnerable and exposed to God.  He was all knowing-- omnipotent and omnipresent.  He knew my every thought and every secret meaning that I was doomed to separation from God and eternal damnation.  I remember being taught in Sunday School on one very specific occasion that my connection with God was the same as a chain of many links between me and heaven.  As long as each link was entact, I was connected with God and I could go to heaven, but if even one link was broken, my connection with God was broken and I could not go to heaven.  So, for many years to come I vacilated between screaming vile words at myself in the mirror to praying for "healing" because whom I had come to see myself as represented sickness-- a disease of the soul-- something dirty and filthy and unworthy.

When healing didn't come, I determined that I could not bare the guilt and shame I felt because of what I knew about myself.  I also couldn't bare the fear of facing eternal damnation-- since it was apparently inevitable given that healing was nowhere in sight.

And so, I continued to hide and hate.  My health suffered, and I was hugely stricken by depression and anxiety.  Life went on.  I added a wife, two incredible children, and six beautiful and brilliant grandchildren to my landscape.  While these things added tremendous meaning to my life, my self-loathing became beyond tolerable, beyond surviving.

As a loving God would have it, on a starry cool night looking up into the night sky, I had the quintessential moment of my life.  The reason I loathed myself so deeply was because there was no acceptance of who God had created me to be.  A chain reaction of realizations occurred... if God created me out of his perfection, there was nothing wrong with me.  No more need to pray for healing from my "sickness," no more need to "tolerate" who I was.  In fact, if there was any sin in my life, it was not loving that which God had created.  I WAS EXACTLY THE ONE HE INTENDED ME TO BE!  There had never been a more liberating moment in my life nor has there been since.

Circling back to Brene Brown's talk, the something that allowed for that moment of vulnerability was liberating and opened the door for me to live an authentic life.  Since that day, my authenticity has continued to unravel-- in a good way.  Vulnerablity through many trials and tribulations over the past 10 years since those revelations have simply been opportunities to gain ground on knowing, experiencing, and expressing who I am.

Today, I am in love.  I am happy.  I am content.  I am gaining growth almost daily, allowing vulnerability to open the next pathway to experiencing life as fully as I was intended to experience it.  The collateral experience to self-discovery is that I've learned that my authentic self ALLOWS me to experience love and share goodness with those around me.

I can't close these thoughts today without saying that coming out as a proud gay man and allowing +Jimmy, my partner, into my life, has not only accelerated my "unravelling" but has brought me the greatest joy I have ever known.  Thank you for finding me, love!

Allowing Transformational Change: The Love Story of Ken and Jimmy

Sunset Beach in Treasure Island, Florida

God hears our cries.  Jimmy and I lived our lives-- unknown to each other-- knowing some "things" about ourselves that we kept private for lots of reasons.  For me, I made a marriage vow to a lovely young lady in 1975.  We had many good memories together, brought two incredible children into this world, and now share six beautiful and brilliant grandchildren.  This vow I made told me my cross to bare was to live a conflicted life married to a woman, never to resolve my inner conflicts and lack of authenticity.  Many would likely question my inaction for so many years to resolve what began as an acknowledgment that "I've chosen a difficult path" and grew to an unbearable conflict and inner turmoil.  It seems the human soul was never intended to live forever with such incongruence.  Over the past several years I have devoted myself to finding the path to congruence.  Unraveling a lifetime of inauthenticity has difficult and painful.  It has led me, however, to knowing me, experiencing a life path full of love, and a journey to look forward to untainted by an incongruent existence.

I trust our story will help my readers to stop fearing allowing transformational change to enter their lives.  When you do, I promise you will find the freedom to receive the gifts and treasures designed just for you.  All you need to to is take a deep breath and open your hand and your heart...

Jimmy and I met on Match.com in the Fall of 2011.  He was in Missouri and I was in Florida.  We wrote each other daily—even before exchanging phone numbers.  Our letters rather quickly moved from “What a beautiful profile” to “what a beautiful person your are.”  Somewhere along the way Jimmy announced that he was moving to a community about 30 minutes from my home.  We exchanged phone numbers, and our relationship quickly moved beyond the closeness and admiration we shared in our emails to a beautiful romance.  We met for the first time for lunch on December 3, 2011, where we sat and talked and became mesmerized with each other with locked eyes and butterflies for a couple of hours that day.  On parting, we shared a brief kiss that silently said in each of our hearts that our search for love was over.  A week later I had rather invasive surgery.  My dear sister, +Kathy, came down from Michigan to my home in Florida to care for me, but when it was time for her to leave, it was pretty clear I was going to have a hard time caring for myself.  Jimmy took my sister to the airport and began caring for me with tenderness and compassion.  For weeks, I daily asked, “You’re not leaving are you?”  He never left.  A day doesn’t go by that our love doesn’t grow deeper and stronger—and neither of us is going anywhere...

Jimmy and I are two middle-aged guys who had pretty much given up on ever finding the man that filled the empty place in our hearts.  2011 was the year God said, “I have a special gift for you.”  Our love is a treasure that we will embrace for all of time and eternity.

Words of Wisdom: A Pathway to New Vision

New quotes added March 7, 2013



I am God's creation. I don't need to be what I am not.

~author unknown


Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.

~Epictetus



I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

~Maya Angelou



Never, never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.

~Martin Luther King


A soulmate is one to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and the communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a Divine Grace.

~Thomas Moore


The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. 

The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. 

This is the day your life really begins. 

~Bob Moawad


Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. 

~Martin Luther King Jr.


It does no good to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

~Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


It is not our abilities that determine who we are. It is our choices.

~Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets


Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.

~Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban


We all must make the choice between what is right and what is easy. You are not alone. 

~Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire


We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.

~Sirius Black in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix


There is no light without the dark. Myself, I always try to live within the light. I suggest you do the same.

~Professor Horace Slughorn in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince


Harry Potter: You talk about wands, as if they have feelings, can think.
Mr. Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. That much has always been clear to those of us who have studied wand law.

~Dialogue of Harry Potter and Mr. Ollivander from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II


Make your mess your message...

~Robin Roberts


Life provides losses and heartbreak for all of us - but the greatest tragedy is to have the experience and miss the meaning.

~unknown


There are neither Jews nor Greeks, slaves nor free people, males nor females. You are all the same in Christ Jesus.

~The Apostle Paul


Wholeheartedness is a precious gift, but no one can actually give it to you. You have to find the path that has heart and then walk it impeccably....It's like someone laughing in your ear, challenging you to figure out what to do when you don't know what to do. It humbles you. It opens your heart.

~Pema Chödrön
The Wisdom of No Escape


My friends believe I’m crazy. But I am not. I am just the person they would be if they weren’t so scared. 

~ Johnny Depp


For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

~The Apostle Paul


Live your life from your heart. Share your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls.

~Melanie Beattie


The Church should be a place for all the broken, not just the "holy."

~unknown


Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

~Dr. Seuss


Actually, we have no problems - we have opportunities for which we should give thanks... An error we refuse to correct has many lives. It takes courage to face one's own shortcomings and wisdom to do something about them.

~Edgar Cayce


Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

~The Apostle Paul


...more kindness, less ignorance.

~from The Holy One by Susan Trott


Vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage.

~Brene Brown


To live content with small means; 
to seek elegance rather than luxury; 
and refinement rather than fashion; 
to be worthy, not respectable; 
and wealthy, not rich; 
...to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; 
to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; 
to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; 
in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. 
This is to be my symphony.

~ William Ellery Channing


Normal day, let me be aware
of the treasure that you are.
let me learn from you, love you,
bless you before we depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest
of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
let me hold you while I may,
for it may not be always so. one day
I shall dig my nails into the earth,
or bury my face in the pillow,
or stretch myself tart,
or raise my hands
to the sky and want, more
than all the world, your return.

~Mary Jean Iron


Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be the shelter for each other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth for the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before. Go now to your dwelling place to enter into the days of your life together. And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty and fear assail your relationship - as they threaten all relationships at one time or another - remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.

~Apache Blessing


Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose.

~The Prophet Jeremiah


We must make it clear that a platform of "I hate gay men and women" is not a way to become president of the United States of America.

~Jimmy Carter, 1996


Nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

~Barack Obama


Perhaps we are looking to the natural for answers when we should be looking to the supernatural.

~Jim Dando


Always thinking delays the revelation.

~Jim Dando


"Rabbit has Brain." There was a long silence. "I suppose," said Pooh, "that's why he never understands anything."

~Pooh in "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Huff


There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

~Maya Angelou


When another person suffers, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help.

~Thich Naht Hanh


Wisdom is not knowing but being. The wise heart is not one that understands everything—it is the heart that can tolerate the truth of not knowing.

~Jack Kornfield


We have come from God, and inevitably the myths woven by us, though they contain error, will also reflect a splintered fragment of the true light, the eternal truth that is with God. Indeed only by myth-making, only by becoming 'sub-creator' and inventing stories, can Man aspire to the state of perfection that he knew before the Fall. Our myths may be misguided, but they steer however shakily towards the true harbor, while materialistic 'progress' leads only to a yawning abyss and the Iron Crown of the power of evil.

~ J.R.R. Tolkien


You know what music is? God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe, a harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.

~Wizard from the movie August Rush


Look deep into nature, and then you will be able to understand everything better.

~Albert Einstein


The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.

~Henry David Thoreau



I’m grateful for being here, for being able to think, for being able to see, for being able to taste, for appreciating love – for knowing that it exists in a world so rife with vulgarity, with brutality and violence, and yet love exists. I’m grateful to know that it exists.

~Maya Angelou


I am only one, 
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything, 
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

~Edward Everett Hale


Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace.

~Albert Schweitzer, French philosopher, physician, and musician (Nobel 1952)


Change your thoughts and you change your world.

~Norman Vincent Peale


I am grateful that love exists: familial love, (love between relatives), romantic love (a passion between lovers), agape love (divine love between God and friends), love of nature (the majesty of mountains, the lasting love of oceans) and the joy of laughter. We are stronger, kinder and more generous because we live in an atmosphere where love exists. I am grateful for that.

~Maya Angelou


Stop looking for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security or love-- you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.

~Eckhart Tolle